| There's no blame for how our love did slowly fade... |
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| For one night we are all easy... |
[9.23.06 - 8.09am] |
In case I go out dancing or something some time around Halloween I am going to need one of those idiot slutty-girl non-creative costumes. Help me pick the best one (bear in mind there isn't as much of a selection for fat girls so I need to work with what they have):
( Read more... )
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| we make the plans that no one keeps |
[9.21.06 - 12.33am] |
Every moment on this day has felt like something hopeless, if I think about it too long I find a thousand more worries a thousand more problems a thousand more ways to feel sorry for myself and I know any other day it is such a waste of time but today it is all-encompassing, what can you do.
If I ever start to take myself seriously as a girl, as a member of the human race, as a person with something to offer - I think it will be a little different. She saw my plan for my new tattoo and asked me "Is that because you are a writer?" and I have to admit I started to get anxiety a little. How do you answer that question? It seems like a binary answer code, check one box yes or no but on that evening neither seemed correct. Someplace in the middle I guess. Is there a box marked "only in my daydreams, everyone thinks I'm a phoney" because that is my choice, thats my answer. C all of the above.
I am trying to remember the very last times I saw every one of my ex-lovers in person. The sad goodbye in the airport like some goddamn indie film with a good soundtrack. The dramatic appearance on a doorstep looking mangled and out of touch with life, feel sorry for me, take me in one last time. The goodbye-forever wave from a car window days before you knew it would be goodbye-forever. What does this mean, can anyone tell me, what does all of this mean.
Maybe it's because my alarm didn't go off in time, I don't know. I've got no money and Jose is in bed, and not here to pet my face. The truth is I am blessed and gifted with all the things that actually matter but where is the genius in that, I just want one single person to think I am a genius and you can't have that without the tragedy now can you.
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[9.17.06 - 9.48pm] |
I had predicted this. Just before we left I was all "Guys I am going to drink too much and write about it on the internet the next day" and look here I am, hello.
The good thing is I've devulged some deep dark secrets that don't sound that stupid coming out of your numb-drunk mouth, I'm suddenly in love with everyone, can't we all just live inside of these times forever?
It feels real good to laugh so hard in my stomach that it hurts, my mouth hurts, my cheeks hurt from that thick smile spread out all across my face. I will always love one too many people for one simple heart, but even now I suppose it is better than never at all, at least thats what they tell me.
A hive of a thousand bees is trapped in my stomach and other middle organs. My brain is tired and sore. The theme of the party last night should have been "Tracy Is A Disaster", I hope everyone liked it.
Tonight I told Jose that I am going to sleep so well I said I would sleep like a baby, I wil sleep like a log, I will sleep like a baby log. I will sleep like a wooden baby. I am a genius.
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[9.15.06 - 11.18am] |
I have this bad bad feeling right now and the only adjective I can remember is "loneliness" but I'm not even sure thats correct. I can't afford anything right now.. Good thing I just bought all that coffee so I can go back to my coffee diet. Symptoms: losing five pounds a week, never falling asleep.
My house is a little more adorned, a little nicer to look at if you are a stranger, a little harder to find things if you are me. I miss my mother and there is so much to tell her. I hope she will always love me until infinity.
The psychic told me I needed to find my center and I looked down at my stomach but even I know thats not what she was talking about.
Btw. James is in jail. Everyone laugh with me.
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[9.12.06 - 12.07pm] |
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music |
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The Smiths- There is a Light that Never Goes Out |
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Last night the air felt like October...
I can't believe how much I already miss her.
Hot Cider, cardigans, and a mixture of brown & orange things in general with a sweetheart by my side. Why can't it be permenantly autumn?
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[9.6.06 - 2.08pm] |
Tomorrow when I wake up everything will be different.
No, I mean really different.
I have already written two idiot poems but I am not going to show anyone unless they are published, I mean really published because I just got done getting rid of everything I have left to incorrectly blame my failures on and I can't let it all be for nothing.
DO YOU LOVE ME!
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[9.2.06 - 2.39am] |
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I want to run a marathon or at least around the block but then remember I am in terrible shape, a brisk jog half a block makes my heart feel like it will suffocate inside of my ribcage, and just to go outside anymore I need to hunt down my SPF 50 and slather it all over, wait for it to sink in and stop smelling like a beach. Instead I open all the windows and watch three episodes of Sex and the City, drink four cups of coffee, three of which are a mistake.
Everything is crappy with everyone and I am a boring cliche.
I miss my mom.
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[8.28.06 - 11.17pm] |
The muscles in my neck and back feel like they morphed into baseball-shaped pain, all day long I bend back and lean over and try to rub them out but I would not be surprised if sooner not later I woke up paralyzed. I hope that I don't because I honestly wonder if that happened how many people would still love me.
It was one of those weekends that begs for a summary but every time I try to smush it into five sentences the severity makes it impossible. A good short story perhaps. You will have to accept a story that stops in the middle because I'm not ready to even think about the last chapter.
My freckles came out all over my arms and shoulders on Sunday afternoon but by nighttime they had gone back to the place they go inside of my skin.
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| I will miss you SO MUCH |
[8.26.06 - 3.08am] |
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music |
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The Smiths- I Won't Share You |
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There is a place that exists only after 1am where inhibitions go to rest. I lay them down there. Song lyrics tell a story better than I can but you have to play everything in exactly the right order. I've never been able to accurately foresee futures but maybe there can be a sort of audio manipulation. Soon it is simultaneously the beginning and the end, everything written on the same see-through page and for one little singular day all the world is literate.
I don't know what my neighbors think of me anymore.
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[8.19.06 - 8.00pm] |
I think that everyone knows exactly what is going on but you are all waiting for me to bring it up, but where do I even start?
It could mean any of exactly one thousand things and even still I can only comprehend forty of them. I used to worry human hearts had a limited capacity but I suppose they can expand just like one of those balloons that you tie a note to and let go, "If you find this please write to me", you stand there at the end of blacktop as proud as you know how and you clench your first real tight and then its gone. Sometimes it gets caught in the phone wire and Sister Anna Marie says "Its okay, they can't all come back" and weeks pass and no one hears anything. But eventually someone does.
I want to go home and see my mom and have everything be wholesome and good. We used to sit in the backyard when it got dark and drink coffee next to the citronella candle. Occasionally we laughed so loud it may have woke the neighbors, but isn't it such a waste to worry about the potential negative outcomes of such a beautiful perfect thing?
I was so tired yesterday and I played songs that lulled me to sleep. I was equally dead and asleep, in reverse order.
Now every time I wake up everything is new
but I still wonder about what the moon looks like
coming in your window
or what your window looks like
coming into town
or what your town looks like
coming into sight
and I'll know it all real soon.
They can't all come back but some do
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[8.18.06 - 10.40pm] |
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These weeks have been about second third and fourth-guessing myself. I'm trying to work a little more bravery into my daily existence but don't get me wrong, all the liquid courage helps. For the first time in months no years it feels real good to not have an answer for an aquaintence I run into on the street and they ask "What are you up to?", the answer remains the same (disgustingly nothing) but the smile isn't a fake one this time.
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[8.13.06 - 10.17pm] |
Does anyone ever know that is going on with anything, I have faith that I am no different (I have faith in something now).
My heart is unevenly dispensed in little doses all across these fifty states like a scavanger hunt of Imissyou's. Collect the most and you win.
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[8.12.06 - 5.25pm] |
A new haircut and a new dress do not make a new girl.
(Though I sure do feel like one.)
The entirety of yesterday felt like one long sleep-walking dream in which I became several different caricatures of myself over the course of the day. When I woke up this morning I expected it to be Friday all over again, somehow. I have a mental countdown calendar in my head anxiously awaiting autumn, why can't every moment feel like a permanent september.
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| Birthday. |
[8.9.06 - 12.07am] |
My big day includes....
Waking up at 6am to sit at the dmv.
Working til 10pm.
Coming home and cleaning my entire house all by myself.
Going to bed.
Waking up for work the next day.
A girl is only 21 once.
Happy birthday to me.
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| Sing me to sleep, I don't want to wake up on my own anymore. |
[8.8.06 - 3.33am] |
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music |
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The Smiths- Asleep |
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I want you to know deep in the cell of my heart I really want to go.
How are you supposed to react when you've just heard the most perfectly beautiful song you've ever heard in your whole life?
You play it again and again and again and again and again again againaginagainagainagianauainagainan.
And so on.
p.s. Is love really unconditional? I mean....really? I want to believe deep down, buried under skin and burrowed inside ribcages that it is.
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| Don't forget about The Five People you have already met on earth. |
[8.4.06 - 1.01pm] |
I guess in the end the most important thing, really, is to be graceful. Like it's okay if you trip sometimes when you walk up the stairs but more importantly when someone asks you the mundane, "What's new?" your reply sure as fuck better not be
"Nothing".
Nothing is ever nothing. Let's be honest.
(And graceful.)
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| Every 365 days |
[8.1.06 - 10.59am] |
Sex is better than sleep.
Once he licked my shoulder and said
"Your freckles taste like cinnamon"
but my head couldn't reach that part so I took his word for it.
A week from now marks the start of a six day extensive birthday party
celebration of sorts.
I'm starting my 21st year off with longer hair and a higher tolerance.
I very much hope you're a part of it.
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| I don't mind the weather... |
[7.29.06 - 11.22am] |
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mood |
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happy |
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music |
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DCFC- Blocking Out the Friction |
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Imaginary Dictionary of Literary Phrases.
"On The Way"
see also: Great Things
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| Opinions were like kisses, I was giving them away. |
[7.27.06 - 2.16pm] |
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music |
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Katamari on the Swing |
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I'm in love with the way everything is exactly right now, even being poor and worried and all. Last year when I was a hermit crab and avoided basic human connections I thought I was doing them all a big favor somehow but it is apparant the joke is on me. I've missed these connections so thick you can almost see them like wires attached from deep inside of me to deep inside of you, I think it is the biggest clue of all in finding a tangible answer toward something as gaudy as the purpose of life.
And friends are becoming more than that or maybe just better than that or something?
And being analytical doesn't help because analysis doesn't matter, everything is in a true and perfect slightly flawed form and I could not think of any better thing. I've missed everyone so much, do you know the kind I mean? It hurt a little in the way that only something so good can make you so broken apart when it's gone. I think maybe this time I've got my head screwed on right, I've painted a shiny new smile on the front and that makes it permanent exactly as it should be.
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| Check one box. |
[7.26.06 - 12.02pm] |
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music |
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Murder City Devils- Rum to Whiskey |
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Tracy try to stop being a girl-shaped mess.
I said "You know things are getting serious when you change your Myspace profile from 'Single' to 'In a Relationship'. "
How true.
All I can think of right now is my ugly hair and also how I am always SO HAPPY or SO SAD and never in-between!
Also pondering: That weird new breed of nineteen year old girl thats a cross between someone with cute hair that I would have been friends with in high school and a trashy sorority idiot with a mini-skirt that acts "ghetto" on the internet. Where did they come from?
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